New Suffolk's Regina Calcaterra Opens Up About Painful Past

Today, Regina Calcaterra is a successful New Suffolk attorney who has run for political office and is a well-known public persona for her work fighting fraud and as a champion for foster children.

But at the core of today's strong woman lies a painful past that until recently, Calcaterra rarely shared. In her new HarperCollns book, "Etched in the Sand," Calcaterra opens the doors to the unspeakable past she experienced with her five siblings on Long Island.

In the book, Calcaterra shines the light of truth on her past as an abused child, who spent her earliest years at the mercy of a mentally disturbed and alcoholic and now deceased mother. 

Dark days spent savagely beaten, hungry, cold, foraging for clothes and food, sleeping in the open trunk of a car — and later, homeless and at the mercy of the foster care system, where she was abused and separated from her younger siblings.

Her work in the public arena today — waging a race against New York State Senator Ken LaValle in 2010 until she was challenged on residency requirements; serving as former Suffolk County Executive Steve Bellone's chief deputy; and currently, in her post as executive director of New York State's Moreland Commission on Utility Storm Preparation and Response, appointed by Governor Andrew Cuomo after having helped residents to recover after Superstorm Sandy — is based on her inherent believe that government can serve to help lift individuals out of the most troubling of times.

Calcaterra said she was motivated to write her book after serving as a board member of You Gotta Believe, an organization that works to get older foster children adopted into "forever" homes.

"Through my efforts with YGB I learned that over 40,000 teens and young adults age out of the system annually to no one but themselves," she said. "I wrote this to give them and the hundreds of thousands of impoverished, abused and foster care children an understanding that they have control of their destiny. That although they were dealt a bad hand, they need to learn how to play it and use their self-determination to pull themselves up and out of their situation. 'Etched in Sand' chronicles that children without safety nets or solid parents have a long, hard and, sometimes, dark journey but if they believe in their light, they will be able to pull through."

Reflecting on the childhoods she and her three sisters and brother shared, Calcaterra said, "Although revisiting my experiences was tough, it was not as tough as when I shared the experiences of my younger siblings. Writing about what they were subjected to was tremendously painful and it still is today. However, since I shared the manuscript with them as the book developed, I learned that they felt empowered by finally sharing of our story, rather than to do what we have done for decades, and that was to hide from it."

Beneath today's polished exterior, Calcaterra said her past has left its imprint on her life and heart.

"Everyone's childhood impacts them in some way and serves as the foundation of the adult they become," she said. "What my childhood experiences have given me is perspective on what is important in life and to embrace the little things that bring joy. I will never have it as tough as I did as a child so this part of my life is easy. I am learning to enjoy it more it and more."

Inner conviction and fortitude, Calcaterra said, helped her to forge a path out of despair and into a place where she could take charge of her destiny.

"I was somehow convinced that I was dealt a bad hand as a child and that my circumstances were only temporary. Whether this was innate or learned is unclear, but it was something that I was convinced of. I would spend time with friends who came from happy and stable families. I also had enough people in my young life tell me that I could help myself by staying in school and continuing my education. So with positive reinforcement, my own self-determination, plus the resources that were, and still are, available to impoverished societally disadvantaged children, I was able to rise up and out of the circumstances I was born and raised in."

Libraries were the cornerstone of Calcaterra' childhood, a safe haven where she would bring her siblings and embrace books and education — paving the way to her future.

Librarians, teachers, and social workers all influenced her young life. "I was a transient child who moved around a lot that many could have written off as a lost cause, but they didn't," she said. "Although I was in their classrooms, care or libraries for a short time, enough good public servants took the time to impact me positively."

In college at SUNY New Paltz, Calcaterra took a class on International Politics and learned that she was fortunate to have born in the United States in her dire situation.

"Had my siblings and I been born elsewhere in the same circumstances, there is great chance that we would have never survived and had those resources available to us to survive. It is that appreciation for the role that government plays in our lives that drove me to a career in public service. Although for the past 25 years I have moved in and out of public service, I always end up back in it because my experiences have driven me to give back to community."

The foster care system in the United States, Calcaterra said, still spends its resources and efforts on preparing teenage foster children how to live independently once they age out of care at 18 or 21. 

"While this may serve somewhat helpful, the resources and efforts should be put towards trying to find them children a forever home," Calcaterra said. "By the time these children are teens they have had many adults in their lives. Ensuring a safety net and a safe place for these children to put their head down for the rest of their lives is a much better use of resources then a 17 point independent living check list."

Personally, Calcaterra said she would rather pursue foster care adoption, rather than fostering a child. "Foster care adoption," she said,  "is what makes a lasting difference in a child's life."

Years later, Calcaterra said finding peace and forgiveness for her mother was a journey. 

"Closure was a process. Once my youngest sister Rosie moved out at the age of 15, the closure process began and when Rosie finally came back into the my life closure was finalized."

Today, Calcaterra and her siblings are close; a tight family knit with resilience and enduring love.

"The oldest three, Cherie, Camille and I all live in Suffolk County by design. Norman and Rosie live out of state. Although Rosie lives the farthest we speak so often that the miles between us are non-existent."

Their shared past is a bond that has sustained the siblings.

"Our collective goal was to break the cycle of abuse, poverty and alcohol and drug addiction. Together we broke that cycle and they then went onto raise 12 compassionate children who are now giving back to church and charity. It is only with our collective strength and cohesiveness were we able to accomplish so much in such a short time," Calcaterra said.

To those children who may be facing seemingly insurmountable challenges, Calcaterra has a message: "The journey will be hard, long and sometimes dark, but you need to believe in your light because rising above is your choice. Make the right one."